mary shelley writing about a monster rejected and abandoned by its creator and dedicating it to her own father i need to smoke a blunt with her i need to give her head
a friend of mine is a science educator. not a classroom teacher - he does the kind of programs you see in museums, fun experiments with lasers and dry ice and shit.
yesterday, a young girl asked him why he was allowed to pour liquid nitrogen all over his own arm but he didn’t want her doing it. I braced myself for some dumb “well I’m an adult so I’m allowed” non-answer, but instead he surprised me by giving some of the best science (and life) advice I think you can give a young person:
“well, it’s one of those rules designed to keep you safe. and following the rules really can help you stay safe, but they’re not perfect. sometimes, usually because they’re too simple, the rules let you do things that aren’t safe, or don’t let you do things that are safe if you know how to do them. one of the reasons I’m good at what I do as a scientist is I try to understand how things work so I can figure out my own rules for keeping myself safe. and sometimes my rules are little more complicated than what I might hear from other people, but they work better for me. like, I let myself play with liquid nitrogen, but only in really specific ways that I’ve spent time practicing. you should follow the rules you’re given at first, but if you take the time to understand how things work, maybe you can make your own, better rules.”
I loved this response. it’s a great encapsulation of two really important things I think people need to learn and re-learn all the time: on the one hand, listen to genuine authority figures; when someone knows more than you about a subject, don’t treat their expertise as “just another opinion” and act like your ignorance is just as good as their knowledge. but on the other hand, don’t obey anything or anyone blindly. recognize that rules and systems and established ideas are never perfect. question things, educate yourself, question things more.
and then, of course, a parent had to butt in and spoil this wonderful lesson by saying:
“but not the rules mom comes up with!”
everyone in the room laughed. except me. I gave her a death glare I’m pretty sure she didn’t notice.
because no. no. your rules are not above reproach if you’re a parent. the thing about the dictates of genuine authority figures - people who deserve to have power, and to have their positions respected - is that they are open to question. genuine authority figures are accountable. governments can be petitioned and protested and recalled. doctors must respect patients’ right to a second opinion. journalists have jobs terminated and credentials revoked if they fail to meet standards of integrity and diligence. scientists, to bring us back full circle, spend their entire careers trying to disprove their own hypotheses! you know who insists on being treated as infallible? megalomaniacal dictators, that’s who. oh, and parents.
I’m beyond sick and tired of this “my house my rules, this family is not a democracy, I want my child to think critically and stand up for themselves except to me ha ha” bullshit. my friend gave this kid the kind of advice that doesn’t just help people become good scientists - if enough people adopt the mentality he put forth to that girl, that’s the kind of advice that helps societies value knowledge and resist totalitarianism. and her mother shut it down because, what, she didn’t want to deal with the inconvenience of having someone question her edicts about whose job it is to wash the dishes on Mondays?
we already know you’re more likely to be a Trump supporter if you’re an authoritarian parent - and that this is a stronger predictor of your views on the current president than age, religiosity, gender, or race. I’ll say this another way in case you didn’t catch the full meaning: people who believe in the absolute, unquestionable authority of parents are more than two and a half times as likely to support Trump as people who don’t, and that’s just among Republicans. we can’t afford to treat the oppressive treatment of children or the injustice of ageist power structures in our society as a sideshow issue any longer. the mentality that parents should be treated by their children as beyond reproach and above dispute is a social cancer that has metastasized into the man currently trying to destroy the foundations of democracy in this country.
in short: parents, get the hell over yourselves before you get us all killed. and kids, learn as much as you can, and then make your own rules.
My mother is fond of quoting something that happened once at work (she’s the director of tourism for the neighboring county).
She was on the phone with my brother, who wanted to do something (I forget what, I think he wanted to go camping with some friends and she was worried it was going to be too cold that weekend or whatever)
And finally she got off the phone and sighed and said, joking, “When I taught them to question authority I must have laid it on thick, because now they’re questioning mine.”
And it got really quiet in the office. And then her secretary pipes up with “You taught your kids to question authority???”
And mom says that right there in that moment she realized what was wrong with a huge part of the world.
Teach your kids to question, people.
For a short while as a child I had sanctuary from an abusive home in a lovely home with good parents. One of the things that completely shocked my taraumatized little soul was how deeply the adults respected children’s thoughts, feelings, needs and wants.
Whenever a kid thought something was unfair, the adult would ask why it felt unfair and talk to them about it. Sometimes the reason for the rule or decision was immovable, like, “this isn’t safe” or “this isn’t possible with the time we have and the responsibilities that fill it”, or “homework has to be done even if it’s boring, because it helps you practice skills you will need later on.”
In those cases, the rule wouldn’t change but the child would understand why it was a rule, and feel listened to and respected. And best of all, sometimes even if the rule didn’t change, an adult might help the child brainstorm ways to make it easier to follow the rule, or find alternatives to the thing they couldn’t have.
Sometimes, the rule or decision was for more flexible reasons, like “We can’t do this because you need supervision, and I have work to do which means I can’t supervise”, in which case a child’s suggestions, like, “What if I call a grandparent and see if they’re interested in supervising?” were encouraged and listened to.
This taught the kids, me included, so much more than we ever could have learnt by being shut down by, “I’m an adult and I said so.” The system was designed to teach us to make good decisions and to give us as much information as possible about how to do that before we went out into the world. Teaching us the reasons for certain rules helped us respect them and to understand how to make good rules for ourselves going forward.
In my original household, the central rule was “Do whatever will keep you from getting hurt by the person with the most power.” From this we learned to make choices based solely on fear of consequences, no innate ethical system, so we learned to misbehave without getting caught.
We learned that if you can force someone to do something they don’t want to, you’re allowed to, because that’s how rules are decided, the most powerful person always gets their way.
We learned that asking questions of someone with power over you is dangerous and you have to figure everything out on your own. We learned to keep secrets about how badly we were hurt. There was no oppenness, no conversation, no negotiation or questions or teaching, just fear and hatred and a lot of pain.
Which household do you think taught me the best lessons, the ones I can use to build a healthy and responsible life for myself?
My older son (almost 8 now, god) said to me in a conversation this year, “You can say no to anyone, even grown ups,” and I almost cried with relief.
Just to go back to tdf’s bit:
“Whenever a kid thought something was unfair, the adult would ask why it felt unfair and talk to them about it. ”
Y'know, after I ran away from home, if an adult had started a conversation like that with me, I would’ve thought it was a trap and clammed up.
I’m not sure exactly what I think needs adding here, but there’s something about abusive parents training their children to not trust the absence of power abuse.
That’s actually a problem I’ve talked to other education folks about- kids who see honest questions as a trap, because that’s what they’ve been taught to expect, and clam up.
So some strategies, if you ever find yourself talking to a kid who thinks you’re trying to pull something:
Some of that is eased by building trust (if you show consistently safe, honest responses, that fear will ease), but you can also try some other things to help in the moment.
Instead of “why don’t you think it’s fair?”, for example, maybe rephrase: “I want to make sure this is fair, and it sounds like you have some ideas. Could you tell me more about what you mean?” The point is just to acknowledge upfront the value of their ideas and opinions, so they know exactly what they’re responding to, and why you’re asking that question.
If they’ve already clammed up, things can be harder, but I try not to push too much at that point. I’ve found it helps to leave an open offer and give them time to process, feel, and think; give them the same acknowledgement and reassurance that you genuinely value & want to hear what they have to say, and offer to let them think about it for a while (ideally while you do something else, so they have space). If you remember to come back and check in later to hear what they’ve been think about, it often makes young folks feel really, genuinely valued and considered.
The bigger thing here is that this is a pretty common trauma response, and I see it from kids who’ve had those experiences with parents and family, and from students who go to more authoritative schools. This happens with a lot of folks, and it sucks, and it helps if you can show them that they can be, and deserve to be, treated in a different and better way.
Just knowing that there’s an alternative to the way you’ve been taught the world works can really, really make an impact.
✣ This fest was inspired by the engraving on the inside of Harry’s lion ring that reads the same. While we may not know the meaning, we all know that sometimes the second chance is what you need to finally get it right.
✣ “Second chances are riddled with self-doubt, irrational fears of falling short or making a mistake, and not living up to the potential you got a firsthand taste of the last go ‘round.” If you could have a second chance, what would you do with it?
✣ Individual interpretations of the theme are welcome, this blurb is to get you started.
RULES
✣ MUST be 18 or older to participate as an author
✣ All kinks and tropes are welcome
✣ Due to the nature of the theme, all pairings will be welcome, but the main pairing should be Louis and Harry
✣ Minimum word count is 5,000
✣ This fest is not anonymous
TIMELINE
✣ Prompt Submissions- September 2nd to September 23th
“landlords are bad because they don’t work” no. landlords are bad because they use the justice system and the police to render innocent people homeless. landlords are bad because they put barriers between living human beings and having shelter. landlords are bad because they hoard wealth and resources while their community suffers
enough with the ableist horseshit. nobody needs to work 40h a week to deserve to live
